Esther's Identity
Esther often feels like a "racehorse with no more races". She's been raised to succeed in school and tests but as she moves to adulthood, she struggles to find where she can fit in. In the first few chapters, she reaches the end of her racehorse era and is forced to discover a new identity. At one point, she even catches herself in the mirror, unable to recognize herself in New York City. In fact, it almost seems like NYC is the problem. The city seems to have corrupted her while she's experimenting with new identities. She feels so dirty with NYC, she even takes baths that make her feel as if she's "growing pure". Even after her leave of the city, her possible futures trap her (so much so, that death seems to be the only option).
I think one of the best symbols for these futures is the fig tree, a representation of her life and her possible choices. On p. 73, she says:
"I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
Esther wants so many things and at the same time, there are so many things she doesn't want. She refuses to be below her partner in marriage, conforming to the general nuclear family idea. Actually, her comments on this matter kind of remind me of the song "Little Boxes" by Malvina Reynolds. The singer describes a suburban neighborhood in which all the houses and families are the same and everyone leads identical lives. The lyrics describe how all the children "are put into boxes and they all come out the same". I feel that Esther could relate to this song in the way that she also feels like she'll be falling into the trap of the nuclear family if she pursues marriage and motherhood.
This fear of motherhood is also why the sight of Dodo Conway makes her sick. Dodo Conway is a symbol of the conventional expectations of a woman, everything that Esther despises. Esther even describes her as an egg, conveying ideas of fertility and mothership. Dodo and Esther are both capable women and the fact that her future is living in her same neighborhood pushes Esther even further, urging her to escape her future even more.
Unlike Holden, Esther was brought up struggling and fighting for every opportunity she had. Also unlike Holden, Esther is almost forced to conform to the views of those around her, fitting in the 1900s idea of a woman in society. This idea is illustrated in her discussions with Buddy Willard, where he says that she'll grow out of wanting to write poems and literature and eventually, she'll marry her. He's not even worried when she refuses to marry him (he knows she'll have to marry, but the idea that it might be someone else is the only thing that worries him). It's almost as if he knows that even if she tries to pursue whatever she wants to do, she'll always be brought back to this path of marriage and family.
I really like how you connected Esther’s perspective of the life expected of her to the song, “Little Boxes.” I feel like I’ve heard it before, but I haven’t listened to the lyrics closely. I agree, I think it’s a really good representation of how Esther feels about traditional marriage life. She knows that if she were to get married like society expects her to, then marriage and housewife life would take over her identity, and she is no longer free to find her own identity (like how she wants to pursue writing). I think it’s especially telling that one of her most harmful suicide attempts occurs while she’s staying in the suburban neighborhood. It seems to emphasize just how trapped she feels, like you said. I enjoyed reading your blog post!
ReplyDeleteI really like that you pointed out the fig tree quote because I feel like it really does summarize Esther's emotions and fears about her life path and where it will take her, she is afraid to choose one fig because then she will miss out on having any of the other figs even if the fig she chooses is a good fig. I think Esther is most afraid of missed opportunity.
ReplyDeleteI found your connection with the fig tree and Esther's life choices to be very interesting. I also like how you also drew back on Holden's experiences as well and compared the two of them. I agree with you that Esther definitely had more pressure placed on her to conform to society than Holden. One difference between the two that I also noticed was that Holden had more freedom to chose his path than Esther because of the lack of pressure on him compared to the pressure on her.
ReplyDelete